He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
