The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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