I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Pants are for mortals
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
