I think my vagina is haunted
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
