I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
