I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
