im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
