How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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