Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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