I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
