i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
