making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
