just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
