Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
