did you get engaged???
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
