John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
