I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
