guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
