I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
