I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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