Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
