dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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