Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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