your parents love me but you hate me
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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