the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
