if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
