I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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