hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
nutella sex= disaster
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
