I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
