I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
