Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
