you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Oh god it's open bar.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
