ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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