Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
