My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
