Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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