the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
