Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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