...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
