We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
