20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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