After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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