i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
