I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
