fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
