I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i drank out of a bidet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
