Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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