yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
