the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
