Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
