I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
